Merry Christmas, everyone. As my Christmas present to you, I present a Slender Man-based poem that parodies “The Night Before Christmas.” There are a lot of other things I could have also done, but I’m pretty happy with how it turned out overall. Apologies in advance for the fact that the line spacing doesn’t work…they’re supposed to be in stanzas/blocks/watchamacallits of four, but blogs evidently don’t like it if you don’t have an extra space between each line. Also, I realize that Splice did this just a day or two before me. I’d like you to know that I finished my version before I read his, and Broeckchen can attest to the fact that I’ve been working on it since before I knew about his version. Anyway, here it is! I hope you enjoy it!
‘Twas the night before Christmas and many felt dread
For the Solstice had left quite a few bloggers dead.
The victims all handled their weapons with fear,
Believing the Slender Man soon would be near.
Noah Maxwell lay awake in his bed,
While visions of tentacles haunted his head.
And Jay with his camera, totheark with his mask,
Had just woken up from a seven-month nap.
When suddenly I had a terrible feeling.
I opened my eyes and saw blood on the ceiling
“The Angel of Death comes for all,” the blood read.
I just rolled my eyes and I went back to bed.
But from out in the woods there arose such a racket
That I dashed outside, quickly grabbing my jacket.
When what, from the tendrils of fog did appear,
But a tall suited man with a plushie reindeer!
With a face with no features and limbs that were slim,
I knew in an instant it had to be Him.
I stood frozen as closer and closer he came.
In my mind a soft voice was heard calling my name.
Comehither, embraceme, takejoyinmyhugging
Andkillalltheshoppers! Yes, gokillthemall!
As I shrugged of the message and stared at his face,
I attempted to run…but my heart’s all that raced.
Then up to the rooftop I managed to flee,
For that’s rule 1 (I forget 2 and 3).
Then he vanished and reappeared right by my side,
And I silently cursed M and his bad advice.
I glanced for some help and saw no one around
As he let out a chuckle—a hideous sound
He extended a finger, and I followed to see
He had hung corpses up in an evergreen tree
Through the vomit, a thought struck that I knew was true:
He was trying to celebrate Christmastime too.
It seemed strange at first, right before I remembered
That he too had an important day in December.
He and Santa, if Broeckchen is right, have a link.
He’d be Santa’s opposite evil, I think.
Then off in the distance, I heard sleigh bells chime.
I sighed in relief: Santa came right on time.
With my roof as a runway, he landed his sled,
I instantly knew I had nothing to dread.
He cut a clean figure in boots, coat, and hat.
I could hear the man mumble as he pulled out his sack:
“A trumpet for Nessa; for Robert, a knife.
Just two small reminders of their former life.”
Then he looked at the Slender Man and said “Oh, dear.
So many bad kids have been wifin’ this year.
But they don’t deserve death, so you should be more lax.
Though Ron Browz,” he mused, “probably could just be axed.”
Then Santa found just one more gift in his sack;
Handed Slendy a twenny and patted his back.
As the Slender Man nodded then vanished from sight,
Santa cried “Merry Christmas, and to all, good night!”
But wait! There’s more! I’ve also got a song parody! I hope you enjoy “The Twelve Days of Solstice.”
…coming tomorrow, due to some problems with uploading.
Happy birthday, Jesus. Merry Christmas, Broeckchen. And to the rest of my readers, Merry Christmas, and a very happy and Slender-free new year.